Bitterly sweet sides of life.

Things are still iffy-are with Sarah's circumstances, but I've decided to 'take a step back', I guess that she's got to make her own decisions, her own choices, be them good or bad, and learn from them.. as there is little point trying/saying/explaining to someone who doesn't want to listen. (And I remember going through that phase too). But we will always be here for her when she's ready, no matter what. 
Things have also improved as far as my other daughter, Kate, and my mum are concerned, it isn't the typical relationship if you like, but it's better.. and no matter what Kate will always be my daughter, and my mum always my mum, and I do love them, no matter what heartache has been thrown. And that, that is just the way things are, love is powerful. But we'll just have to see where that path takes us... 
'You can't force respect, but you can refuse to be disrespected.'  
And it is my decision, that I'm not going to be disrespected anymore.

Jay, Jay has made me smile, he's not had a haircut in a little while, my plan is to take both boys to the hairdressers in the new year, and Jay has asked me if he can keep his hair long as everyone's been saying his hair looks like Luke Skywalkers.. and the thing is, is it actually does lol. 
Well on that note hopefully I'll leave you with a smile, as it's just gone 2am, and I'm feeling it too, so it's time for me to close off for another night, I'll reply to the blogs I've had a peek into later on, as I need to get some sleep... the work men will be here first thing replacing the roof.. so there will be no chance for napping xx 
Take care xx

So much has gone off these past few weeks that I've not been able to gather my marbles, let alone blog, but here we go, a bit of a long one. 

..Sarah went to live with her boyfriend a couple of months ago, he's 29, she is 17, I was a little surprised, as he is nearly 5 years younger than me, but said all that I asked was that he took care of her. Yet, he was not providing food and taking her wages, I got the police involved after she sounded incoherent on the phone, they literally had to break into his place, and she was taken to hospital, she was exhausted and very thin, her chest looked like an xylophone, and her skin hung, it upset me a great deal. We had her here for a few days after she was released from hospital, and all she did was want him. Virtually pine for him. Nothing I could do would make her see what's in front of her face. She slept for 12 hours straight for the first night alone, and ate well whilst she was here, she's now what I'd class as being underweight, but she's decided she wants to still be with him. She's 17, nearly 18, but legally, here, there is little I can do. And I'm also painfully aware that the more I try and hold her away, the more determined she is to go to him. So, I've made sure that she has a house key, and told her my door is always open. She is also welcome to pop in for a meal whenever she wants to. I've also arranged for her wages to go in my bank at least that way I can put them in her hands. Mike has also been and had a strong word with her boyfriend.. I'm not sure if that's come to any good, but there is no point just telling Sarah how it is, when he's mostly responsible. 
 I've also told her that she has got to eat, that, that isn't acceptable, as not only is she starving her body, but her brain too, which is why she's felt confused, forgetful, cold, ill, and having all the accidents she's having at work, and as she works in a kitchen, you should  see how many burn scars shes accumulated. 
It's been a little while since this went off, the air had to clear a little, but she spent the night with us last night, and at least the eating issue seems to have sunk in, as she doesn't seem to have lost anymore weight. 
So.. if I've forgotten anything, or recent Birthday cards/gifts, have arrived late, it's not because I don't care, it's because we've been worried sick, and I've had a lot to sort out..

Jay is struggling at school, the children don't really understand why his behaviour is different, and academically he struggles, as he always has. I'm going to raise the issue of a possible special school, again, I'm not sure if they will or wont allow it, there was a time when his statement of special educational needs would have got him into one, not anymore, the school and board have to agree to it, *Sighs. I'll try, and I'll try as hard as I can, and we'll see. 

Andrew, now Andrew still isn't walking yet, the HV said it's normal for bum shuffling babies to walk late, and I know at least two bum shufflers to walk at about 2 so I'm not worried it means a little less 'running' behind him, and moving things up another level lol. At least for now he is getting up and down with confidence, walking round the furniture, and letting go with one hand, he just doesn't seem to want to go for it, either that or he is making me wait ;) We think he will be walking by Christmas, we'll just have to see.. Come on Andrew! His speech is really good.. he's saying a good variety of words, which I'm happy about, cat, car, poo, hi'ya, mum, dad, meow, bye-bye, (Waves). Nan, dog-dog, one, two (As I count when I give him things). Sort of says Sarah, calls Jay, Bob. Ta, no, juice, And a few others that I've probably missed lol. He likes making rocket noises, car noises, roar noises, and he likes babble-singing rhymes with me, he often does the hand movements too, like the ones from 'round and round the garden' and 'Itsy bitsy spider'. 

As for me I'm tired, spending most days feeling that way, but going forwards. They are on about sending me to an MS unit, as I've been told it's 'possible MS' I just have to wait, it's got to the point that they could diagnose me with anything, long has gone, the time for emotionally falling apart, that's just not going to happen. I need answers. 

My 'strange mood scribble'.. if you understand it's fine, if you don't it's fine too lol. It's not aimed at anyone specific, it's just a feeling.
 Behind every awareness ribbon comes countless stories, behind each story comes a person, a person with life, life event's, moments, moments to laugh, to cherish to fulfill, hopes and dreams, passions, goals, achievements and so much more, that comes with their name. Never forget what makes a person, a person. Never forget what makes you laugh, never forget the dreams, goals, passions, well, everything. (And there is so much more then I can even dream to put). And the awareness of a ribbon, shows a private battle, but it isn't everything, awareness should only make people aware. (We can all fit with a ribbon somewhere). But a person. You. Is what makes you whole.

I have read a post on FB once, that read something on the lines of: Giving people a second chance is like handing them a second bullet because they missed the shot the first time.
I hope this doesn't apply to the second chance that I've given my mum, I don't even know if I could take a 'second shot', theoretically speaking.
But I have given her another chance.
I have yet to speak to my second eldest DD. There are issues still there, that, and it might just take a little more time, and a lot more thought, before I can figure out what to do. Building bridges doesn't happen over night, especially not bridges that run through your mind and heart.

I don't want to be perfect.
I don't want to be special.

I just want to be good enough.

Jay is going through a growth spurt again! I can't believe how much he has grown in such a short time. I said to Mike we'd be better off buying his school uniform shortly before he goes back to school or it's not going to fit him, he really is growing like a weed lol. I'll be looking for some more trousers over the next couple of days, and I might get the sewing machine out and make a couple of these pairs into long shorts, since they're in good condition still.
Jay also did really well in his achievements last term too, he's received a medal for everything achieved in year 6, a certificate and pin badge for a cycling course, and he's also got two certificates, a rosette, two pin badges and two photographs for his horse riding with the RDA. He has pretty much worn the rosette and medal on a daily basis, he's done really well for himself and I'm very proud of him. 
He's really done us all very, very proud :) 


Andrew is teething, he's had 5 teeth through in the matter of a short few weeks, the rest at the front all look as though they are on the gum line, I've been told about some really good teething powders, they're natural too and an absolute godsend.. they even stop upset tummies that they often get with teething, I really don't know where I'd be without them. But I'll still be glad when it's all over for him (Lots of love and huggles all round in the meantime too) x


Well as for the me bit, I've got my new soap molds, and I'll be cooking up some soaps tomorrow lol, I've promised Kellie I'll send her some too.. I'll post some pics when I can :) 
I've also got my new scrap book, I've had it for a couple of weeks, the front is all set up, I'll start some pages when I get a little quiet time at a decent hour, (But right now it's 2am). I'm really looking forward to getting all my good memories into my new 'good memories book'. It's something we can work on together.
I also want to have a blast at making a quilt out of Andrews outgrown clothes, it will make a cute memory blanket too - it's just a case of getting my marbles and the time for everything. 
Anyway I'll update as soon as I can with piccys and the what-nots as right now I am so ready for my bed lol
have a great day/Night.


Take care as always
Louise x

After a 'feather ruffling' between a couple of us online, I've decided to 'draw my line in the sand'.
It's as straightforward as this, everything that's been 'said', all grudges etc stay on one side of the sand, and I go on the other side, there's going to be no more mentioning of it, here, there, or anywhere from me. I'm just going to let it go from here on.. because we all have family, health and life issues, and there's nothing to gain from arguing for anyone.
Anyway I'm here as a friend to anyone who wants to join me.. x
Huggles
Louise xx

The trip to the zoo was great, it was the only day last week that the sun shined too, as if mother nature gave us a little gift herself. Whilst there, Andrew was fixated with this little tiny turtle, I took a pic of him staring it at, and almost as if posing for him, it swam right to the top of the tank and right back down and sat there in front of him.. it was very sweet. We saw a whole array of animals, and had a lovely day, and for the first time in months I was able to relax - properly, we spent over 6 hours there, and honestly it really didn't feel like it. The children all have gifts from there, and we all enjoyed the day, it's definitely worth another visit, another time.
 I'll post some piccys a little later on x
Take care x

Andrews birthday is on the 14th, I can't believe my baby is 1 in two days time.. it doesn't feel like a years gone past already. (Almost lol)
I've been in turmoil over what to do, as I'm sure you can understand by my previous post, but I figured it about a week ago, and spoke it over with Mike.
We've decided, unknown to the children, that because Andrew likes animals that we'll take him/them to the zoo.
And maybe do him a little birthday tea after my jaw has healed right. (I had dental surgery, over a week ago, I can now just about fit my thumb in my mouth, it doesn't make good for table manners).

I'd really love for his birthday to be built on special memories, because that's what it should be about. And I'm starting to look forward to it too, as we've booked and payed for the tickets, so it's just down to the weather to be kind...

I've also been working on fathers day bits for this Sunday..

Anyway, I hope your day is kind.
Take care
Louise xx

I've been fighting depression again, and rather a nasty bout. I had a message from Kate saying I made her life shit and I could f* off.  Then I got a couple of messages from my mum saying that I like hurting the ones that I love, and it's best to say goodbye and go our separate ways. and a seperate message from my mum, with yet another lie from Kate.. 

About a week ago, we noticed Poppy felt swollen. 
I looked at her Sunday, and she seemed even more swollen, she looked swollen too, all of my instincts said it was pups, but she didn't actually look pregnant. And because of where her menstrual cycle was, we thought it was either a phantom pregnancy or something else.
 I said it was worth taking her to the vets to find out what was wrong, when it opened Tuesday, so at least we knew what was happening, (As it's bank holiday Monday).  And I also jokingly said I didn't want to find out it was pups by her going into labour tomorrow. How I could have ate those words. 


She went into labour in the early hours Monday. When she finally went into the stage of contractions, I checked her and she didn't seem to open.. having never had a litter of pups, a bitch in labour or anything else, I was truly clueless. 
When I next checked her, I saw feet. 
Ringing the vets, he gave advice to Mike on the phone, and I tried to deliver pup with lube, as advised. I picked her up, and put Poppy on my lap on her back. But I had noticed that the contractions stopped, and Poppy was exhausted. I was also making her sore trying to get the pup out.. which was upsetting both Poppy and me, and to top it off, pup wouldn't move much, when it seemed to be coming out, it went back in, Poppy seemed to get floppier, she even stopped panting, and I was becoming increasingly scared for both Poppy and pup. Mike spoke to the vet the whole time that I was trying to help her, he gave the vet the information, then we all decided it was best to get her up there, he gently bundled Poppy in the car and took her to the vet.


I was in floods of tears, PC in the front room, my facebook was open, my emotions, random, and raw, I posted a couple of lines on my page: 

I was sitting here worrying about posts I made on FB and if it was right or wrong, and what people would think, and then started deleting them.. when normally I'd just plunge in and apologize later if the need be lol... then it dawned on me, I slept for over 13 hours and forgot my anxiety meds.. At least it didn't get out of hand before I realized, as it's only a 'one way street downwards' without them.
(I'm such a bright spark).
Time to shut of facebook and let my meds kick in before everyone has lists of me posting and not a word to read, (Sorry btw lol)
Andrew is awake and on my lap after having his feet sniffed by 'Bruno doggy', he's pretty content, though Jay just let Bruno out in the yard, and fricking heck it's FREEZING lol... I'm, glad I'm staying in!
 I was also thinking and selling awareness candles xx just a thought on my earlier post, I'm going to give larger candles a practice and see how I go before committing myself, I'll post back later today xx
Love n stuff and take care xx

A post I made as a reply has got me thinking...
I could sit and write an essay, in fact I deleted one before I decided this paragraph was enough lol.


' I've seen life end before it has begun. Life is a gift. And a gift like any other gift it isn't a promise, tomorrow isn't a promise. It's precious.  Use your gifts. Don't let them waist. '


Now I'm not sure what I'm going to do here lol but my brain is in over-drive mode. 


Love, and take care as always.
Louise xxx

It's the first of May, 4 17am. Not kind of sure where the heck that came from, it seems some force just wants to age me another year! (Andrew is also one next month, odd to say I started this journal whilst I was pregnant with him, as a place to relieve all feelings high and low). So yep, all at once lol.
Well. Andrew's been asleep for around half an hour, after giving him calpol I gave up and cuddled him to get him to settle, and then popped a sleepy boy back in his cot. So it's early, as per, and I'm tired but not sleepy-tired, so I may as well get the kids stuff sorted for tomorrow... and then. We'll see. 
 Sarah told me that my mums now lying for Kate, she'd been talking to Sarah over her 360.. and she turned to me and said, 'It's bullshit mum'.  I agreed. Now if there was an emotion or smiley that had a little face throwing junk up, saying 'Fuck it', that would be me today, And I also posted the 'people are so full of shit, it comes out of both ends', comment too, it filled the 'mood of the moment', if you want to put it that way.. And I still don't feel a lot different. 
Well. Good news cars now road worthy for another year.. I'd be lost without it.
Time to do some odds and ends so there's no messing about in the morning.. it makes life so much easier.
Happy May... I think, lol.
Louise xx

You sit there silently listening to everything, and it doesn't matter what I say you never judge, and your opinion of me stays the same.
You're one I don't mind being there, even if I want to be alone.
I can cry and hold you, and you love me back.
If I'm tired you'll lay with me,  and if I want to play, even for a short time, you're the first for it!
You don't mind me calling you 'A ginger whinger', playfully when you moan! In fact, your happy to see me happy.. I'm sure sometimes you do it on purpose just to get me to tease!
You know I'll spoil you too, and you don't tell! (Even if there are signs that give it away)!
You love Birthdays and Christmas, and will run off with the paper, shredding it to bits as you go, leaving me to clean it, but I don't mind, not really. Your innocent face lets gets you away with soooo much.
You ask for so little, and give so much...
Do you know that?


You are more than a dog, you are my loyal friend.
I am yours, for as long as you are mine, no matter what. (And that's my promise to you).
Big soft and gentle. Anyone who says different about you.. or your breed, has never had a day with you, or seen your breed for the right reason. 
I would even trust you with my baby. That is some trust. (Though not alone as you're playful at times, and I wouldn't want accidents).




Bruno. A friend for life.



See my innocent face?? 

It's 3:30am Saturday, yesterday, I slept from 10am ish until 5pm and then from 9pm - 2am ish today. The spasms really ground me down, it's not the longest I've slept for, but it certainly cost me the day. All I can say is I'm grateful that Mike was here, and although I know he doesn't fully understand, I know he does understand. 
I just wish there was a way to stay awake sometimes. But it's not the way it is, my body is like a battery that doesn't charge fully, and doesn't take a lot to go flat, and the only way I can charge it somewhat is to sleep. 
Well the car failed it's MOT, it's going to cost about 100£ to fix it, it's what I'd class as an unexpected expense, but money was put aside before it came up, and Mike has an appointment for 8:30 am today to get it repaired, the only downfall to that is, is that he's sick. He started being ill last night, so fingers crossed he'll be OK to get it done. On that note, I'm going to shut down the PC and relax a little bit, because I'm going to be needed later.
Take care x 

Spasms started in my arm and have just finished in my face... I'm exhausted... Sarah's due up any min.. just going to give her a shout, and Jays due up in half an hour, and my face feels like it's just gone under anesthetic for dental work... (But only its my cheek area). Not that it's ever a good time, but this is seriously a bad time to suddenly go to 0 energy.

Tomorrow Mikes MOT is due, (Just for the FYI an MOT is the UKs 'road worthy test', you pay for the test, and if it fails you have to pay to get the car fixed, then take another test, and if you pass they give you a certificate, basically, and it's a legal requirement). I don't think it's going to fail, it's in an alright condition, the only thing I can think of is the wipers aren't working perfectly on every speed, but they work, so it should be OK. We'll see lol (Fingers crossed).
I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do for Andrews first birthday, I'm going to ask the sister in law where they rented the hall and disco area from, how much it costs and if it's reasonable, there will be a lot of baking going on in this house lol, (I'm looking forward to it). I've ordered plastic plates/bowls/cups/cutlery it's just going to make life so much easier, especially with little ones, and I said to Mike they can be used for picnics in the summer too. I'll update on that one later too. 
Today I've spent a lot of the day cleaning, I surprised myself at how much I'd managed to get done. (Although I did sleep lol). There is still a fair bit to do, but I might 'volunteer' Sarah into helping me lol, she can go faster then me and she's young and healthy.. That's my excuse :) . 
Sarah's dress arrived with beading missing on it, I've contacted them and asked if they'll send replacement beading so I can sew them in place, it's just a case of 'hand depending' but they have a while to their school prom, so I have the time, to take my time. 
Well I hope you all have a good day, and take care as always.
Louise xxx

I think it's been along time since we've had one of these, (And to end tonight/this morning 24th April 1 45am is the day/time where we are). On a positive note there are a couple of new things Andrews been doing:

Andrew can push himself backwards in his walker, (Not all directions yet). He goes quite fast too, after just managing a couple of pushes Sunday, he's just suddenly off on the move. (Watch out here comes Andrew lol).


And tonight he rolled from his back to his tummy got in a crawling position and pulled himself forward a little.. go Andrew go!!! He's 10 months old and I'm looking forward to him getting around :)

Today, my daughter, Katie, tried to call me a bad mum, and accused me of raising two more of my children into an unhappy environment.
 I asked both children, firstly, Jay, Jays answer to me was,  'No. I am happy, why would you think that'? To which I said 'Because I'm a silly old lady'! He just laughed and went off to do his own thing. Secondly I asked my eldest daughter, and without a word to me, (After asking why).  Went and blew her lid at Kate, and if there wasn't the internet/phone/few miles between them, I swear you'd have been picking Kate up off the floor. Sarah asked what I thought. I said fine, and it's fine because Kate pulled her in to it, and Sarah's entitled to her feelings/opinions. 
 I told Kate what Jay had said, and this is what she said,  'God hes not going to admit it to you is he'? 
I later asked him again, on his own, I said Katie thinks you aren't happy, is there anything you're not happy about with me? If there is you can tell me then we can work on it'. He said no, and after a very blank look, he added, ' if I'm not happy, I'll shout at you'.  My son, I'll add, has ASD and ADHD, and trust me he knows how to shout. He will also answer a straight question from me, as he has done many times even in some difficult situations. And that as an answer from him, was good enough for me. 
Now, my daughter, Kates communications with me are all blocked for the time being, (All but Mikes mobile for emergencies). And my mum has a little more access but if problems seep in, I will lock it off, purely because I'm tired of the negativity and lies. And to top it off last night the left side of my face went into spasms, followed by a very blood shot left eye and a violent headache, I couldn't even string a sentence together. 
When it came to getting up, I was exhausted and couldn't get out of bed till gone 2pm today with what felt like a brick had struck my face and head, so needless to say there are no favours/anything to gain from all of this.
 So in saying that, it's time now for the sakes of those who live with me, and who are nothing short of a loving family with me, (With the normal ups and downs I'll add lol). That have to come first, and not those who want to ruin our lives. Whoever that may be. 

Today, since it's slipping into the early hours of the morning. I'm feeling drained and numb. I made a decision, and even though in my mind it's for the right reason, I have to live with its consequences. 

My daughter, Kate, was having an affair with someone, and although she's only 16 she wore his engagement ring, and to me the ring is a bond of a promise, not a bond of lies. I couldn't justify to myself knowing what she was doing and doing nothing. I've been cheated on more than once, and seen my dad cheat on my mum twice.  I was sat here knowing she spends one day in the arms of one man, and in the arms of another man the next night. How could I not feel? How and I shut that off? I couldn't. I told his mum what she was doing, but, also unraveled in the conversation with his mum was the web of lies she's said about us, all sickening, she even said that I wanted her and her sister to get pregnant.. how could she? I was pregnant at 15 gave birth at 16, pregnant at 16 (Was cheated on, he went to a 14 year old). And left to raise two children alone by 17. Nothing could be further from the truth then what she said. I told my mum what she said too as she lives with her. She said, 'Teens will be teens'. What the heck, what about morals? Or am I alone in my morals? 
To top it off. Kate sent me the most hateful message tonight too, full of swearing, and although it stated she wanted nothing more to do with me, I wrote back, and it's taken over a couple of hours to compose. I'm not going to go at length, but she's got to stop her vicious lies, (The reason she doesn't live with me in the first place). Consider not just herself but her siblings too, and start with a clean slate. The choice of cause is hers. And what she does from now on is her choice too, but I've also said anymore lies about us I will get the authorities involved. 


You know, I don't know what it says about me as a mum. Like anyone I go by what I feel is right, I've tried, and in some ways I've failed. 


All this emotional draining takes its toll. That and it's 2am. 
Goodnight. xx

It's only in recent time that some schools are doing proms here in the UK. I'm aware they've been an American tradition for a long time, but anyway, Sarah and I have spent hours looking at dress after dress, much to my thinning patience, lol, but she eventually found the 'special one', I told her I'd chat it over with Mike and bookmarked the page. Without her knowing we then had a chat and I ordered and payed for it. A little while before bedtime she brought it up saying she couldn't wait.. And I said that it's a good job I'd ordered it then! Her squeals of delight filled the house! Even though she fast apologised and went quieter as the rest of the house were in bed lol,  It's something I've not heard her do since being a little one, and it's wonderful to hear her that happy :) I said I'd take the blame if she woke anyone.. since I could have picked a better time of day/night to tell her lol. Still. I bet she's going to look beautiful xx Photo to follow :)

I'm nosy. I don't deny I'm nosy.. but not in a bad way, I wouldn't go through your house for example, lol! But on FB I was looking through friends, friends lists to see if there was anyone I knew, and a face popped up, and I knew her face, days later I remembered her name, then I remembered where from. She was in my primary school in the last year, and also in my secondary school. But I don't know if I liked her not. And no matter how hard I try I don't remember a thing beyond that. And it's not the first time it's happened. I also had a friend of a friend add me on FB.. And the only thing I remember is her surname. And even months later that's still all I recognize. I wracked my brain, nothing. In the end I had to remove her because I couldn't cope with it. I've also asked my mum if I liked some people who's names I knew, from looking at school photographs, because I couldn't rember, she answered me, and I still don't remember, (It's odd and hard to explain). But it's even down to my secondary school, and beyond, like I remembered an old friend, and her hubby, but not their daughter, (And these people were close friends). Not until I was reminded and told about her, but even then it's a sketchy memory of her at best.
 And there are other memory lapses too, sometimes I don't remember doing things like leaving taps on just moments after, I asked Mike if I'd left one on after seeing it, (That was recent). Or putting food in a pan until after it was burnt so bad the pan had to be thrown away. On the phone sometimes I forget things like what years my children are in, who's class they're in, what year they were born, what day/year it is, normally when it's the little things like that, it 'comes to', it's just a case of when, and the frustration, jeeze, it's driving me insane.. It's been this way for some time, though this is one of the few times I've spoken about it. I wonder is this going to be/or is it a part of my disability? Is it going to stay? Who knows.

But for now it seems that both some of the things I knew about people, as well as the actual people I knew themselves, are becoming 'a stranger in my brain'.

(Maybe one day I'll ask to see a neurologist again.. even though the last one practically told me my problems were 'made up'. God how I wish it was, then I'd give myself a break from it)!

5th April - We went to the wheelchair clinic yesterday, it was snowing and cold, odd as today the sun is out, no sign of the fact we were in minuses 24 hours ago. Anyway, I'm getting a new chair, they are sorting me a manual chair, and reinforcing the footplates/leg rests as spasms etc keep making them break, as when they go in to spasm they have to be held down because of the unnatural angels they twist at and the strange exhaustion etc that I still get afterwards, as I wont take the meds they gave me to stop it, as the side effects include organ problems/failure and death, erm no thanks lol. But at least it will make life alot easier... and less expense.

12th April
The pain levels I'm in these past couple of days hasn't been much fun, I've become tired, stressed, depressed and not so easy to live with, they will only prescribe basic painkillers, the kind you can buy over the counter, the only positive about getting them prescription based is the fact that they come in larger amounts, the sort of amount they wont allow you to buy, and if you probably brought the amount I get they'd probably stop serving you.. but other than that they can scrape the surface of the pain if I'm lucky. The past few days have felt like my coccyx has been shattered, my hip is so painful I can't sleep on it anymore and my back, my back is like both combined, then there's the rest. It's a long road, having my 'mystery' or 'MR I' as I call it, as it covers mystery and invisible.. both of which is seems to be to everyone else, I just wish it were to me. Stay strong. I keep saying that... but there are things that are worth staying strong for... there are also things worth crying for sometimes, even if to cry helps 'us' to stay strong.

Sometimes I find myself wondering that. When I speak the truth I'm accused by my mother of alienating the family, yet they're the ones dishing it out, but my mother has this habit of twisting it and making me the liar. 'the baddie'. I feel like I have to put on the show, the plastic smiles, the false pleasantries, to even fit in, I'm not allowed a voice, an opinion, yet they can throw the most nasty crap imaginable in my direction. Yet if I open my mouth once, I'm the bitch. The liar. I am the misfit. But as well as all that, I'm also tired. I have needs, and one is to feel good enough for them.. etc.. and I've tried denying it to myself let alone anyone else, but it doesn't change anything.
I know what I am. I know what you are. I'm not the liar. But I am the one that's had enough.

It's as simple as that.

I hope I've managed to reset it so the comments work again, lol. Besides that, it's 4 13am. I've been up with Andrew for about an hour but it's fine, really. There is something about the early hours, even with Andrew, and that's the fact that it's peaceful.  It's my time to catch up on a few facebook games have a little blogging time, do odds and ends and generally gather my thoughts together.. if I get him settled before the others are up I get some tidy and peaceful shower time, failing that we get some time together, so it's all good.

I have toothache/sore gum today though... that's something else to sort.

Good morning x

It's just gone 7 am here in the UK. That gives me 15 ish mins before I have to get my daughter up, half an hour before I have to get my older son up for school, then after they've gone it will give me around  half an hour before we go to the children's center... it's going to get a little crazy, regardless of the fact that I've been up since 4, lol, I just don't know where the times gone?
I'll slip my camera in my bag and ask if they will let me take a photo there, If they do I'll put one up later... I feel like it's my first day at school! It feels odd.

Good Morning :)
Time for a sneaky cuppa

Take care and huggles if you pass by, have a great day.. I'll be back later on xx
Louise x

One day you'll realize that it's the little moments that count, as you look back and realize that it was those little things then, that become the big things now.

Such as Andrew is asleep on my lap now, one day he will be to big to sleep here at least... I'm not saying there wont be other things that count then, because there will be....but you know, he's been asleep here for over an hour and the house is very quiet.
 It's a beautiful moment.

Every moment matters.

 

I've made a couple of candles for mother in law for mothers day, got to clean the molds before I can do anymore, I know they're not perfect, and I was proud of them a little which was a bit daft I know, I've not been doing successful ones for long lol, I just hope that they're good enough as little gifts.


Louise x

It's done, Andrew is signed up for the children's center, all papers are filled and taken back, the next 'tiny tots'  session, is next Tuesday, the receptionist said 'I look forward to seeing you next week'.

I've got a mixture of feelings. On a positive note, they're some good feelings in there too!
I'll let you know how it goes x
Louise x

Ooh  I've quit smoking!! I've tried numerous times and this time it's worked :) I did it cold turkey style, lol, it was bloody murder at first, (Or at least I was to live with)! But to be honest it seems to have been easier not to have used NRT for me, in the long run this time as all that it did last time was, 'Prolong the agony' as I call it lol.. my fingers are no longer nearly black through nicotine, and I don't feel the need to hide my hand if we're out, I'm really happy with that, I wonder if they have a local manicure place where I can treat myself and spend the day out, one of the great things about having daughters lol ;) I'll look into it when the yellow tinge leaves my nails :) 

I took a depression test Thursday, and scored high on it, so I have another pill review and I've got to mention it again.. it's going to be a case of upping my dose again.. I just know it. But as I said to her last week, I feel brighter now then I have for many years, so, hopefully, fingers crossed if they do 'up' it again, then it's for the last time.
I'm also going to set myself goals, and see if I can reach them, goals that I feel will make me feel happier, and see how it goes. I'll be writing up on that, on the 'as and when basis'.

I love my family, and those that genuinely care,  they are every reason to make this work, and they're the only reasons I need. So thank you to you, you know who you are... and for those who I left, and moved on from to improve our lives, or those who walked out of our lives, thank you too, because if you aren't genuine you shouldn't have been there in the first place. Not only that, you've helped me realize my own strengths and the true importance of others x

Depression bit me hard yesterday, over something so trivial, Andrew was crying for Mike as he left the room, and as much as I know that kids have phases/times for wanting either parent, whilst he was crying I gave him a hug and said 'Don't I get love too?' strange, but as I said it, a thought ran through my head.. I wondered if he did love me. And then I found myself in a floodgate of tears, and my whole day was a ruin, I thought I'd screwed up with everything I said and did after that, of cause I didn't, but it's how I felt. Thankfully days like that are getting less and less. It's hard to explain let alone understand but depression has plagued me since childhood. I've been in two psych hospitals, one more than once, and all that did was make it worse. But at least now depression is not my whole life anymore, I'm not a day-in day-out wreck because of it. And I don't want to die 24/7. It's now 'days' rather than 'my life'. And in that sentence alone, it gives me hope that one day it will be gone for good. 

A week ago ish, Mike took me for the medical. But there were road works and built up traffic, I was on Mikes mobile with little credit trying to get through to tell them we'd be late, when I did, he said that if we'd arrive more then 10 mins late we'd be lucky to be seen.. there was no hope of getting there in 10 mins! We were going to be seriously late, heck I even said I couldn't predict the line of traffic we'd ended up sat in.. And we were sat there for ages, after got there only to find we couldn't find the darn place, after spending ages circling the roads to hopefully see something that resembles a medical center, we gave up, and hoped we'd have more luck on foot, we found an off-road disabled bay close to where the satnav told us we had to be, but hell it was FREEZING, I was shaking so much it was a wonder I stayed in my seat... Andrew of cause wrapped up in his car seat on my lap and was quite happily oblivious, and sleeping lol.. We asked a few people if they knew where the place was and no one seemed to, and at the end of it all we must have been stood there looking seriously hopeless because a woman came out and gave us directions, she even said 'it didn't look like much, no one seemed to be able to find it'. She wasn't joking it looked like a vacant shop with whitewashed windows.. I could have gone passed it 100 times and never have guessed the place wasn't shut down. As it turned out we arrived for the medical over an hour late, only to be told that they'd received evidence that morning and I didn't need a medical... My first question was 'What evidence?' As from what I was last told they don't even know whats wrong, (I didn't say that bit, but I did ask). But she couldn't answer, as the receptionist she wasn't given that information.. fair enough.  I was to cold to be annoyed, I just wanted the gas central heating and a cuppa!! It has still left me wondering what evidence they've had.. but on the plus side though at least we know where to go if I'm ever called up for another medical. 

Parts of my new hobby things have arrived, I've quit drinking and I've decided to do something a little constructive with my time, I've brought some candle wax flakes, soap base and bits and bobs to add colour  and scents, if you haven't guessed, to make candles and soap lol. (No it wont stop me treating myself to bits from other people hehe).  
I've also brought some molds to do some things with Jordan, I've brought some Easter egg shaped molds that will allow him to make little eggs for Easter. (I've got ideas for other molds... but we all start somewhere). x I'm looking forward to it, there are still a few bits to arrive before I can start, but I'm starting to feel like almost as excited as a little child lol. 

Before you read ahead, empty your mind of any thoughts you may have of any negative prejudgments, I don't have them.. I have views, opinions, but I like to look at things as a blank canvas, In a sense, I like to stand back and look in, and draw a mental image of what I see, though it's not always in a good thing for me personally lol.. I analyze every last detail, I twist it and turn it like a puzzle, move it around, even go back to it at a later time if I can't make it fit.. In my own mind, if I had the knowledge that I truly do lack, (And probably always will). I'd probably make a good scientist.


Anyway. Don't worry, I have no intentions of starting debates or change anyone's lifestyle or views, in any way whatsoever, so 'empty your brain' lol.. and sit back with me :)


Wicca, and my views.
Many people have and prejudgments when they first hear the word 'witch'. Where do they come from? Why? And why do people feel the need to hide what they are and what they believe,well, for anyone? 
Well. as you begin, look at it from the earlier times people had no medicine, no cures, no answers, people died young of illnesses that we could probably now deal with, with a little heating and a trip to the doctors.. and in childbirth after 10, 20 30.. well who knows how many children because they lack the knowledge and resources to live life any other way. It was simple. When 'Uncle Bob' died of a fever, all the family gathered round his bed, and dealt with it the way it was, the norm. (No hereditary disease, no cancer, no pneumonia, no infection, no labels, (We created those later on). For now it was just a fever). So what about the woman who lived alone, and lived past the age of the norm? (which just throw in an unstudied number here, lets just say, 30 is the norm). What of this woman who had graying hair, who fixed a few remedies for the ailments, who helped in childbirth? (Probably from time and experience). What if the remedies failed, and someone died? (Even if they were to die without it anyway). Who do they blame? What of this woman? What of the magic she mixes, is it poison? Trickery? (They weren't to know any better really, and just think, it could even be your Grandmas herbal remedies past through the generations, only you know what's in it now, and you know it's safe). This... hag... this... witch. Do you see? Fear. Fear of the unknown, (the uneducated). All of the thing they have no answers for, their 'normal' has changed, how do they deal with it? How do they make it go away? What resources do they have? Burn, drown..  these were their solutions, whatever it is they could find at hand to make it stop, to make things as they were. Little realizing it doesn't work that way.
Fear breeds ignorance. Acceptance, tolerance and understanding gets fogged out...  because it's 'not their way', it's changed. That's just it. People are often set in their ways to a point they don't want it to change, they don't want to see what they don't understand. They don't want anyone else's views, because in their mind they're right, right?  Wrong. They were wrong then, (As time and education has taught us, but I suppose if you look at it you can't help what you can't see can you)? As some are wrong in the same sense now. Whilst time changes some aspects of it, (And in some cases it doesn't). There will always be fear as long as there is mankind. But in saying that, time changes my friend. Opinions will too, when people eventually look at the bigger picture change will come, there will be a turn in time, where the majority of those who are now ignorant, changes, and the ignorant will become less and less in numbers as they begin to see and accept, then they become the majority, the majority who see what things are. Some of which will put the remaining ignorant in their place, (At least until 'the next thing'). But it will take just that, it will take time.
 A handful of things where the majority of views have changed, for example, a woman right to vote, to be equal, race, even some religions, disability, (From Mental to physical, they used to lock up people with disabilities in asylums or in their homes). The list goes on, as I said, some of the majority will put bigots in their place. Eventually. 
Thinking. Perhaps even 'White Witch' is the start of it. Regardless. Be counted, be proud of who you are and whatever it is you believe, other people burnt their bras to be heard! But you don't have to be that loud to be who you are, lol.
  Now back to my ever lasting questioning brain, from what I have read about Wicca and respect. I respect, their respect of other religions, the way they flow with nature, the way they use the Earth to fulfill and balance their lifestyle in every sense, and they don't seem to have any negativity, in any of the every day things around them. In reading all the things that I have, it is as if they flow with the very earth. And to me, I can't disrespect that, or think anything bad, there is just no reason.
 We aren't all made to be the same.  We are unique for a reason, even if I don't know why exactly, I do know I wouldn't want to be a clone of anyone else. Whether I like some of my aspects, or not, I'm still me. 


There are a few basic Q/A http://www.wicca.com/celtic/wicca/faq.htm there. I've read far more than this, and I'll carry on reading, why? Because theoretically speaking, my jigsaw isn't complete.. :) And if there are pieces of a puzzle missing it's never a good thing, even a mental one lol! 


Back to the fear point... Anxiety owns my behind!! You know I'm sat here thinking what if I offend people? What if I upset people or make matters worse in any sense? You know, so to patch my fears here I'm going to add this, these are just my views and opinions no one else's... You can share them with me or leave them as they sit....  I said to a friend I'd give my opinion, so I'll post it, and then probably be sat here wondering if I should have!! Anxiety has cost me a lot in the past, it has turned me into a wreck and makes social-anythings even harder for me, then life itself already does.
 And between 'these pages' and I, I've written books in the past, spent months going over them and then hit the delete key, purely because of anxiety. 


Ah shit. Shit, shit. 

 'Worse off or better off'.
How about we turn it to a different view,
No one is worse off, or better off.
The simple fact is we all feel pain, we all have problems, our pain is very valid and very real ... 
so have your say, don't ever allow others to undermine how you feel. 


Take care of yourself. 

Had a good chat with the health visitor, she mentioned a group for younger children. I must admit. I got a little scared to start with, social situations and me are normally a big no-go area.. I told her how I felt, I also told her that Andrew is already uncertain of people he doesn't know, and can get really tearful around strangers, even her if she doesn't come enough, and she did agree... he's only 7months and I don't see that as being a positive thing. But I also asked her how people are going to be around me, I don't know why I asked her that. I've had very mixed reactions from people making accusations, to one man calling my kids 'my little helpers'.. Oh I so put him straight. They are my children, not my helpers. End of.. (That is one sure way to piss me off). To people being fine with me being a wheelie-mum. Well she basically said that there's going to be ignorance no matter where you go. And that Andrew deserves the same as any other child. I couldn't argue to that, not even in my 'mentally analyse every detail from every angle' kind of way, which is something I have a natural talent for, (Though it's certainly not a gift, not when I can be at it for the same topic for weeks, or months even). So she's brought me a flyer for the center and it lists their activities, now all I need is to find my nerve, wish me luck! 
Love n hugs
Louise x 

I've been asked about my disability time and time again, people on and offline, I find it difficult because I don't know what to say, I don't know how to answer.. the truth is, I don't have a 'quick answer', or the right words, nothing to satisfy someones curiosity, not really.
So here I'm going to give an outline of some of my disability, (But even at that it's going to be an essay)! How it came to and where 'I stand' with it. And also to add, I don't want sympathy, just understanding.
When I hit puberty, which I did early, I began to trip up, it hurt like no other, my who ankle seemed to collapse in on itself, it actually felt like I'd near broke the damn thing. Sometimes it took me ages to get back on it again. It started happening in my right ankle and as a short few years passed it affected both. My mum took me to see a specialist, they put me under anesthetic to check the ligaments, they said they were slightly to long, it would be pointless operating though because of the chance it would make them worse, I also had physiotherapy, the physiotherapist discovered that they were so weak that he was surprised they weren't permanently damaged. I had physio week after week. They took me out of physical education at school. Even after I was discharged from physio it didn't stop. I was filled with virtually constant aching legs, pins and needles, coldness and feeling very tired.. the list goes on, but nothing ever stopped. I remember going to see a different specialist, he made me out to be some form of attention seeking teenager, and in an attempt to shock me, he threatened calipers, I actually agreed to them! After they were both sat there silently stunned. My mum started saying how horrible they were, and the fact that it was something that I didn't want, and that's something they both agreed on. It was my turn not to say anything. You can't sit there at 12 ish.. (God it's been to long to remember for certain). Trying to put forward your point, that your legs were already aching all the time, the the trips hurt, that you've had enough. We left. They started altering my shoes, I had elasticated supports, the elasticated supports were itchy and irritating.. and didn't help. I can't remember why they eventually stopped altering my shoes, maybe they weren't taken anymore? I honestly don't know. I stopped telling people, there was no point. At 14 ish I started walking without bending my right knee it seemed to help stop me tripping as much. Yes on one hand it was deliberate, but I didn't see it that way, in my mind, it helped and that's all that mattered, regardless of anyone else's opinion. As I got older, the pins and needles got worse, they started from my lower back as well as in my and the pain got worse too, and if I got cold my god the agony had me in tears. It took me hours to warm up I'd lay in bed shivering over the smallest bit of cold weather, feeling cold to the damn core. I hurt the same if I got to hot! Only the heat gave me blinding headaches and masses of stress to top it off. (And with both It's still that way). By 15 I didn't live at home anymore, I was pregnant too, and still had the same problems, it once happened as I was going down a set of solid concrete stairs, my head felt so wrong and my ankle went, I held the walls but then as I was trying to get up my legs just literally went under me. Me, alone, and pregnant went falling down un-carpeted and un-protected concrete stairs. I bled, contractions started up, but luckily for me at the time, they stopped it was early on, there would have been no hope, and my now ex was working away. (It is just something that sticks in my mind,  But I'll leave it at that). By 16  my eyesight worsened, my glasses didn't help, and my legs, when I walked on them, started going purple or black with pink blotches,  Leaning on my legs hurt me, sleeping was a nightmare, even having baby (As she now was). Sat on them hurt, but I gritted my teeth and told no one. (My second daughter was to arrive later the same year). I discovered my ex was seeing a 14 year old for lords sake, he was 27/28 ish at the time. He even had the audacity to ask if I'd live in a house with her and share him! In a nutshell, not a damn chance, he could fuck the hell off. A single parent aged 16/17 living with a baby pregnant with another.. I couldn't cope with it, I went to live with my mum. I got a couple of jobs in that time, but the pain was triggered something horrific by working, as I worked my legs/back were in blinding agony,  the more I did, the more it hurt. My whole body and mind was screaming stop, stop, stop.. It slowed me right down, I carried on for awhile, but I had to tell the people I worked for, I don't ever remember telling my mum? Not sure I did.. But I lost the job. I met someone else, we got our own home, the pain was more frequent, the tiredness went beyond tired. I started drinking. The relationship was to fail, alone again with the girls in the house, I muddled on. Drinking helped me sleep. It helped numb me from not just the pain, but the reality of the situation.. And I hated it, but by this point there was no hiding the pain anymore, to top it off my legs didn't even feel like they were attached to me anymore.they tried me on blood circulation pills which never helped. I just stopped taking them, and my legs were to crumble under me on a frequent basis, with pins and needless, weird cramp, numbness and then agony, followed by unreal exhaustion. I started to get light headed, and other odd things back then. I can remember going down the stairs then suddenly not being able to put one foot infront of the other to go down the step, it was a mass of bizarre confusion, I knew how, it was if my brain wasn't connecting the message, I eventually ended up going down on my bum. Before long I'd begged the doctors for something to help me walk, I was literally dripping with sweat due to pain when I walked, it wasn't funny, he gave me crutches and an appointment to see if there was anything they could do to help. I remember it was about this point that my mum finally realized, and said she always thought I was exaggerating but she knew now. I didn't say anything to her. They gave me crutches and a walker, a couple of years later it was to be those things as well as a wheelchair, because by now my legs were going through their crumbling, cramp, pain exhaustion for me, cycle, that I hadn't any other way to manage. (Family all struggled with the changes, none more than me, they were finally feeling something, when I'd been feeling it for years, in saying that, no, I don't hold a grudge). I noticed my vision getting worse and I can remember going for an eye examination, through the test he tried different lenses. There was no affect. My eyesight stayed the same.. glasses did nothing, he recommended hospital. But even up to now, it's just something that to be honest I'd never sorted out. I met someone else, our relationship was to build. And he moved in, then one day as my legs normally did, they gave up under me. I just never got back up to being able to walk again. The relationship went through a really bad patch, we broke up and when I eventually took him back we moved away, away to what I hoped would be a life to rebuild away from people I knew, away from gossip. It was not to end that way, I became pregnant with Jay, and he became violent, I tried to make it work, I tried to change, after all how many 'daddies' do my kids need? But it got worse, he'd done everything from punching to biting to scar point, to dislocating my joints, then it affecting the kids, he started starving us. The way I am it took months of planning, secretly and terrified.We fled. And rebuilt our lives. He doesn't know where we are, I however know he's on FB.. that's why I use a name that's not mine. Jay has autism and ADHD. Now, when Jay was 2/3 we met Mike and Mike and I have built our relationship. Jay looks at him as his dad, he said that Mike was his real dad the other dad is his Step-dad there is nothing higher he can say of Mike than that. 8 years after we met, we now have Andrew too. Together we are a family, a real one. About 7 years ago ish, the doctor said it's possible MS I went for a back scan, there was no scarring, so he said I don't have MS.. I can't book another one.  Well. My disability still rules a lot of my life, my speech now sometimes doesn't go right, my words don't come out right.. it's as if the connection doesn't goto my brain, and I try to say something and it doesn't happen, I've been accused of being drunk when I'm not.. it's just so socially degrading. I'm still in a wheelchair.. eyesight's still crap lol. I also go through times when I cant remember the smallest of things, even what year my sons in at school, my age... eh it normally comes-to eventually its just very frustrating, I have masses of spasms even in my face, arms and hands now.. pretty much everywhere.. And the sensation of pins and needles run from my neck. It's something I live with, I have to. I also get an odd feeling of falling backwards to the point I reach out to support myself, it's very odd, I can't fall backwards. My arms for the past few years have also started aching and hurting, a couple of joints have also gone wrong to the point they look it.. but there is nothing I can do, nothing they can do.. I just fill up my system with painkillers and plod on. I have my partner and my children. They are my strength, and even more so when all other strengths fail.


Now I just want to add if you've read it this far, you don't have to comment, and certainly don't apologize, seriously. I'm still me, you are still you. More than likely, the only thing that's changed is you've seen the 'inner me' online first, before you've 'seen' the rest.. One actual beauty of the internet really.