Bitterly sweet sides of life.

It's the first of May, 4 17am. Not kind of sure where the heck that came from, it seems some force just wants to age me another year! (Andrew is also one next month, odd to say I started this journal whilst I was pregnant with him, as a place to relieve all feelings high and low). So yep, all at once lol.
Well. Andrew's been asleep for around half an hour, after giving him calpol I gave up and cuddled him to get him to settle, and then popped a sleepy boy back in his cot. So it's early, as per, and I'm tired but not sleepy-tired, so I may as well get the kids stuff sorted for tomorrow... and then. We'll see. 
 Sarah told me that my mums now lying for Kate, she'd been talking to Sarah over her 360.. and she turned to me and said, 'It's bullshit mum'.  I agreed. Now if there was an emotion or smiley that had a little face throwing junk up, saying 'Fuck it', that would be me today, And I also posted the 'people are so full of shit, it comes out of both ends', comment too, it filled the 'mood of the moment', if you want to put it that way.. And I still don't feel a lot different. 
Well. Good news cars now road worthy for another year.. I'd be lost without it.
Time to do some odds and ends so there's no messing about in the morning.. it makes life so much easier.
Happy May... I think, lol.
Louise xx

You sit there silently listening to everything, and it doesn't matter what I say you never judge, and your opinion of me stays the same.
You're one I don't mind being there, even if I want to be alone.
I can cry and hold you, and you love me back.
If I'm tired you'll lay with me,  and if I want to play, even for a short time, you're the first for it!
You don't mind me calling you 'A ginger whinger', playfully when you moan! In fact, your happy to see me happy.. I'm sure sometimes you do it on purpose just to get me to tease!
You know I'll spoil you too, and you don't tell! (Even if there are signs that give it away)!
You love Birthdays and Christmas, and will run off with the paper, shredding it to bits as you go, leaving me to clean it, but I don't mind, not really. Your innocent face lets gets you away with soooo much.
You ask for so little, and give so much...
Do you know that?


You are more than a dog, you are my loyal friend.
I am yours, for as long as you are mine, no matter what. (And that's my promise to you).
Big soft and gentle. Anyone who says different about you.. or your breed, has never had a day with you, or seen your breed for the right reason. 
I would even trust you with my baby. That is some trust. (Though not alone as you're playful at times, and I wouldn't want accidents).




Bruno. A friend for life.



See my innocent face?? 

It's 3:30am Saturday, yesterday, I slept from 10am ish until 5pm and then from 9pm - 2am ish today. The spasms really ground me down, it's not the longest I've slept for, but it certainly cost me the day. All I can say is I'm grateful that Mike was here, and although I know he doesn't fully understand, I know he does understand. 
I just wish there was a way to stay awake sometimes. But it's not the way it is, my body is like a battery that doesn't charge fully, and doesn't take a lot to go flat, and the only way I can charge it somewhat is to sleep. 
Well the car failed it's MOT, it's going to cost about 100£ to fix it, it's what I'd class as an unexpected expense, but money was put aside before it came up, and Mike has an appointment for 8:30 am today to get it repaired, the only downfall to that is, is that he's sick. He started being ill last night, so fingers crossed he'll be OK to get it done. On that note, I'm going to shut down the PC and relax a little bit, because I'm going to be needed later.
Take care x 

Spasms started in my arm and have just finished in my face... I'm exhausted... Sarah's due up any min.. just going to give her a shout, and Jays due up in half an hour, and my face feels like it's just gone under anesthetic for dental work... (But only its my cheek area). Not that it's ever a good time, but this is seriously a bad time to suddenly go to 0 energy.

Tomorrow Mikes MOT is due, (Just for the FYI an MOT is the UKs 'road worthy test', you pay for the test, and if it fails you have to pay to get the car fixed, then take another test, and if you pass they give you a certificate, basically, and it's a legal requirement). I don't think it's going to fail, it's in an alright condition, the only thing I can think of is the wipers aren't working perfectly on every speed, but they work, so it should be OK. We'll see lol (Fingers crossed).
I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to do for Andrews first birthday, I'm going to ask the sister in law where they rented the hall and disco area from, how much it costs and if it's reasonable, there will be a lot of baking going on in this house lol, (I'm looking forward to it). I've ordered plastic plates/bowls/cups/cutlery it's just going to make life so much easier, especially with little ones, and I said to Mike they can be used for picnics in the summer too. I'll update on that one later too. 
Today I've spent a lot of the day cleaning, I surprised myself at how much I'd managed to get done. (Although I did sleep lol). There is still a fair bit to do, but I might 'volunteer' Sarah into helping me lol, she can go faster then me and she's young and healthy.. That's my excuse :) . 
Sarah's dress arrived with beading missing on it, I've contacted them and asked if they'll send replacement beading so I can sew them in place, it's just a case of 'hand depending' but they have a while to their school prom, so I have the time, to take my time. 
Well I hope you all have a good day, and take care as always.
Louise xxx

I think it's been along time since we've had one of these, (And to end tonight/this morning 24th April 1 45am is the day/time where we are). On a positive note there are a couple of new things Andrews been doing:

Andrew can push himself backwards in his walker, (Not all directions yet). He goes quite fast too, after just managing a couple of pushes Sunday, he's just suddenly off on the move. (Watch out here comes Andrew lol).


And tonight he rolled from his back to his tummy got in a crawling position and pulled himself forward a little.. go Andrew go!!! He's 10 months old and I'm looking forward to him getting around :)

Today, my daughter, Katie, tried to call me a bad mum, and accused me of raising two more of my children into an unhappy environment.
 I asked both children, firstly, Jay, Jays answer to me was,  'No. I am happy, why would you think that'? To which I said 'Because I'm a silly old lady'! He just laughed and went off to do his own thing. Secondly I asked my eldest daughter, and without a word to me, (After asking why).  Went and blew her lid at Kate, and if there wasn't the internet/phone/few miles between them, I swear you'd have been picking Kate up off the floor. Sarah asked what I thought. I said fine, and it's fine because Kate pulled her in to it, and Sarah's entitled to her feelings/opinions. 
 I told Kate what Jay had said, and this is what she said,  'God hes not going to admit it to you is he'? 
I later asked him again, on his own, I said Katie thinks you aren't happy, is there anything you're not happy about with me? If there is you can tell me then we can work on it'. He said no, and after a very blank look, he added, ' if I'm not happy, I'll shout at you'.  My son, I'll add, has ASD and ADHD, and trust me he knows how to shout. He will also answer a straight question from me, as he has done many times even in some difficult situations. And that as an answer from him, was good enough for me. 
Now, my daughter, Kates communications with me are all blocked for the time being, (All but Mikes mobile for emergencies). And my mum has a little more access but if problems seep in, I will lock it off, purely because I'm tired of the negativity and lies. And to top it off last night the left side of my face went into spasms, followed by a very blood shot left eye and a violent headache, I couldn't even string a sentence together. 
When it came to getting up, I was exhausted and couldn't get out of bed till gone 2pm today with what felt like a brick had struck my face and head, so needless to say there are no favours/anything to gain from all of this.
 So in saying that, it's time now for the sakes of those who live with me, and who are nothing short of a loving family with me, (With the normal ups and downs I'll add lol). That have to come first, and not those who want to ruin our lives. Whoever that may be. 

Today, since it's slipping into the early hours of the morning. I'm feeling drained and numb. I made a decision, and even though in my mind it's for the right reason, I have to live with its consequences. 

My daughter, Kate, was having an affair with someone, and although she's only 16 she wore his engagement ring, and to me the ring is a bond of a promise, not a bond of lies. I couldn't justify to myself knowing what she was doing and doing nothing. I've been cheated on more than once, and seen my dad cheat on my mum twice.  I was sat here knowing she spends one day in the arms of one man, and in the arms of another man the next night. How could I not feel? How and I shut that off? I couldn't. I told his mum what she was doing, but, also unraveled in the conversation with his mum was the web of lies she's said about us, all sickening, she even said that I wanted her and her sister to get pregnant.. how could she? I was pregnant at 15 gave birth at 16, pregnant at 16 (Was cheated on, he went to a 14 year old). And left to raise two children alone by 17. Nothing could be further from the truth then what she said. I told my mum what she said too as she lives with her. She said, 'Teens will be teens'. What the heck, what about morals? Or am I alone in my morals? 
To top it off. Kate sent me the most hateful message tonight too, full of swearing, and although it stated she wanted nothing more to do with me, I wrote back, and it's taken over a couple of hours to compose. I'm not going to go at length, but she's got to stop her vicious lies, (The reason she doesn't live with me in the first place). Consider not just herself but her siblings too, and start with a clean slate. The choice of cause is hers. And what she does from now on is her choice too, but I've also said anymore lies about us I will get the authorities involved. 


You know, I don't know what it says about me as a mum. Like anyone I go by what I feel is right, I've tried, and in some ways I've failed. 


All this emotional draining takes its toll. That and it's 2am. 
Goodnight. xx

It's only in recent time that some schools are doing proms here in the UK. I'm aware they've been an American tradition for a long time, but anyway, Sarah and I have spent hours looking at dress after dress, much to my thinning patience, lol, but she eventually found the 'special one', I told her I'd chat it over with Mike and bookmarked the page. Without her knowing we then had a chat and I ordered and payed for it. A little while before bedtime she brought it up saying she couldn't wait.. And I said that it's a good job I'd ordered it then! Her squeals of delight filled the house! Even though she fast apologised and went quieter as the rest of the house were in bed lol,  It's something I've not heard her do since being a little one, and it's wonderful to hear her that happy :) I said I'd take the blame if she woke anyone.. since I could have picked a better time of day/night to tell her lol. Still. I bet she's going to look beautiful xx Photo to follow :)

I'm nosy. I don't deny I'm nosy.. but not in a bad way, I wouldn't go through your house for example, lol! But on FB I was looking through friends, friends lists to see if there was anyone I knew, and a face popped up, and I knew her face, days later I remembered her name, then I remembered where from. She was in my primary school in the last year, and also in my secondary school. But I don't know if I liked her not. And no matter how hard I try I don't remember a thing beyond that. And it's not the first time it's happened. I also had a friend of a friend add me on FB.. And the only thing I remember is her surname. And even months later that's still all I recognize. I wracked my brain, nothing. In the end I had to remove her because I couldn't cope with it. I've also asked my mum if I liked some people who's names I knew, from looking at school photographs, because I couldn't rember, she answered me, and I still don't remember, (It's odd and hard to explain). But it's even down to my secondary school, and beyond, like I remembered an old friend, and her hubby, but not their daughter, (And these people were close friends). Not until I was reminded and told about her, but even then it's a sketchy memory of her at best.
 And there are other memory lapses too, sometimes I don't remember doing things like leaving taps on just moments after, I asked Mike if I'd left one on after seeing it, (That was recent). Or putting food in a pan until after it was burnt so bad the pan had to be thrown away. On the phone sometimes I forget things like what years my children are in, who's class they're in, what year they were born, what day/year it is, normally when it's the little things like that, it 'comes to', it's just a case of when, and the frustration, jeeze, it's driving me insane.. It's been this way for some time, though this is one of the few times I've spoken about it. I wonder is this going to be/or is it a part of my disability? Is it going to stay? Who knows.

But for now it seems that both some of the things I knew about people, as well as the actual people I knew themselves, are becoming 'a stranger in my brain'.

(Maybe one day I'll ask to see a neurologist again.. even though the last one practically told me my problems were 'made up'. God how I wish it was, then I'd give myself a break from it)!

5th April - We went to the wheelchair clinic yesterday, it was snowing and cold, odd as today the sun is out, no sign of the fact we were in minuses 24 hours ago. Anyway, I'm getting a new chair, they are sorting me a manual chair, and reinforcing the footplates/leg rests as spasms etc keep making them break, as when they go in to spasm they have to be held down because of the unnatural angels they twist at and the strange exhaustion etc that I still get afterwards, as I wont take the meds they gave me to stop it, as the side effects include organ problems/failure and death, erm no thanks lol. But at least it will make life alot easier... and less expense.

12th April
The pain levels I'm in these past couple of days hasn't been much fun, I've become tired, stressed, depressed and not so easy to live with, they will only prescribe basic painkillers, the kind you can buy over the counter, the only positive about getting them prescription based is the fact that they come in larger amounts, the sort of amount they wont allow you to buy, and if you probably brought the amount I get they'd probably stop serving you.. but other than that they can scrape the surface of the pain if I'm lucky. The past few days have felt like my coccyx has been shattered, my hip is so painful I can't sleep on it anymore and my back, my back is like both combined, then there's the rest. It's a long road, having my 'mystery' or 'MR I' as I call it, as it covers mystery and invisible.. both of which is seems to be to everyone else, I just wish it were to me. Stay strong. I keep saying that... but there are things that are worth staying strong for... there are also things worth crying for sometimes, even if to cry helps 'us' to stay strong.