Bitterly sweet sides of life.

I don't want to be perfect.
I don't want to be special.

I just want to be good enough.

Today, since it's slipping into the early hours of the morning. I'm feeling drained and numb. I made a decision, and even though in my mind it's for the right reason, I have to live with its consequences. 

My daughter, Kate, was having an affair with someone, and although she's only 16 she wore his engagement ring, and to me the ring is a bond of a promise, not a bond of lies. I couldn't justify to myself knowing what she was doing and doing nothing. I've been cheated on more than once, and seen my dad cheat on my mum twice.  I was sat here knowing she spends one day in the arms of one man, and in the arms of another man the next night. How could I not feel? How and I shut that off? I couldn't. I told his mum what she was doing, but, also unraveled in the conversation with his mum was the web of lies she's said about us, all sickening, she even said that I wanted her and her sister to get pregnant.. how could she? I was pregnant at 15 gave birth at 16, pregnant at 16 (Was cheated on, he went to a 14 year old). And left to raise two children alone by 17. Nothing could be further from the truth then what she said. I told my mum what she said too as she lives with her. She said, 'Teens will be teens'. What the heck, what about morals? Or am I alone in my morals? 
To top it off. Kate sent me the most hateful message tonight too, full of swearing, and although it stated she wanted nothing more to do with me, I wrote back, and it's taken over a couple of hours to compose. I'm not going to go at length, but she's got to stop her vicious lies, (The reason she doesn't live with me in the first place). Consider not just herself but her siblings too, and start with a clean slate. The choice of cause is hers. And what she does from now on is her choice too, but I've also said anymore lies about us I will get the authorities involved. 


You know, I don't know what it says about me as a mum. Like anyone I go by what I feel is right, I've tried, and in some ways I've failed. 


All this emotional draining takes its toll. That and it's 2am. 
Goodnight. xx

Depression bit me hard yesterday, over something so trivial, Andrew was crying for Mike as he left the room, and as much as I know that kids have phases/times for wanting either parent, whilst he was crying I gave him a hug and said 'Don't I get love too?' strange, but as I said it, a thought ran through my head.. I wondered if he did love me. And then I found myself in a floodgate of tears, and my whole day was a ruin, I thought I'd screwed up with everything I said and did after that, of cause I didn't, but it's how I felt. Thankfully days like that are getting less and less. It's hard to explain let alone understand but depression has plagued me since childhood. I've been in two psych hospitals, one more than once, and all that did was make it worse. But at least now depression is not my whole life anymore, I'm not a day-in day-out wreck because of it. And I don't want to die 24/7. It's now 'days' rather than 'my life'. And in that sentence alone, it gives me hope that one day it will be gone for good.