Today, since it's slipping into the early hours of the morning. I'm feeling drained and numb. I made a decision, and even though in my mind it's for the right reason, I have to live with its consequences.
My daughter, Kate, was having an affair with someone, and although she's only 16 she wore his engagement ring, and to me the ring is a bond of a promise, not a bond of lies. I couldn't justify to myself knowing what she was doing and doing nothing. I've been cheated on more than once, and seen my dad cheat on my mum twice. I was sat here knowing she spends one day in the arms of one man, and in the arms of another man the next night. How could I not feel? How and I shut that off? I couldn't. I told his mum what she was doing, but, also unraveled in the conversation with his mum was the web of lies she's said about us, all sickening, she even said that I wanted her and her sister to get pregnant.. how could she? I was pregnant at 15 gave birth at 16, pregnant at 16 (Was cheated on, he went to a 14 year old). And left to raise two children alone by 17. Nothing could be further from the truth then what she said. I told my mum what she said too as she lives with her. She said, 'Teens will be teens'. What the heck, what about morals? Or am I alone in my morals?
To top it off. Kate sent me the most hateful message tonight too, full of swearing, and although it stated she wanted nothing more to do with me, I wrote back, and it's taken over a couple of hours to compose. I'm not going to go at length, but she's got to stop her vicious lies, (The reason she doesn't live with me in the first place). Consider not just herself but her siblings too, and start with a clean slate. The choice of cause is hers. And what she does from now on is her choice too, but I've also said anymore lies about us I will get the authorities involved.
You know, I don't know what it says about me as a mum. Like anyone I go by what I feel is right, I've tried, and in some ways I've failed.
All this emotional draining takes its toll. That and it's 2am.
Goodnight. xx
Drained and Numb
Medical..? (Update from that kind of day)
A week ago ish, Mike took me for the medical. But there were road works and built up traffic, I was on Mikes mobile with little credit trying to get through to tell them we'd be late, when I did, he said that if we'd arrive more then 10 mins late we'd be lucky to be seen.. there was no hope of getting there in 10 mins! We were going to be seriously late, heck I even said I couldn't predict the line of traffic we'd ended up sat in.. And we were sat there for ages, after got there only to find we couldn't find the darn place, after spending ages circling the roads to hopefully see something that resembles a medical center, we gave up, and hoped we'd have more luck on foot, we found an off-road disabled bay close to where the satnav told us we had to be, but hell it was FREEZING, I was shaking so much it was a wonder I stayed in my seat... Andrew of cause wrapped up in his car seat on my lap and was quite happily oblivious, and sleeping lol.. We asked a few people if they knew where the place was and no one seemed to, and at the end of it all we must have been stood there looking seriously hopeless because a woman came out and gave us directions, she even said 'it didn't look like much, no one seemed to be able to find it'. She wasn't joking it looked like a vacant shop with whitewashed windows.. I could have gone passed it 100 times and never have guessed the place wasn't shut down. As it turned out we arrived for the medical over an hour late, only to be told that they'd received evidence that morning and I didn't need a medical... My first question was 'What evidence?' As from what I was last told they don't even know whats wrong, (I didn't say that bit, but I did ask). But she couldn't answer, as the receptionist she wasn't given that information.. fair enough. I was to cold to be annoyed, I just wanted the gas central heating and a cuppa!! It has still left me wondering what evidence they've had.. but on the plus side though at least we know where to go if I'm ever called up for another medical.
It was THAT kind of day (Updated)
I was back on the phone again, well officially yesterday since it's 5:05am, (And yes this sad-sap is sat here lol). I'd been sent a letter stating that I needed to attend a medical on behalf of the benefits office, errm yeah OK, no income how the hell was that going to happen? Simple. It wasn't. So I rang them up and told them as much.. They actually were under the impression we'd got paid, errm no, she spent awhile on the phone with me sorting out my details and security gubbins, then arranged with me to pay us.. now I can relax about the whole financial situation, as I know the payment's going in.
Now the medical on the other hand, that's something else entirely, they feel so invasive, it's less than a year since the last one, and not only do they make me reflect negatively, (And that's something I actually have to go out of my way not to do at times, even if eventually it still has the tendency to creep up on me). But as a private person, as far as my personal space is concerned at least, I know that when the darn medical's due, it will fire off my anxiety and depression. Oh joy.
And it's due in a couple of weeks, which is not as far away as I'd like it to be.
Anyway I'm going to sort a fresh pair of Pj's as I love and live in my Pj's lol, and go for a shower... I'll be back in awhile to post a couple of pics of Andrew (Pudding). So those who aren't on my FB can have a peek. (It will also give me something else to think about).
See you later x
It was THAT kind of day.
Here it's Wednesday, 5 03am.
I'm so tired yet my head is pounding with anxiety.. I've literally just took my meds for it.
Yesterday was a damn nightmare.. I've been disabled since I was 19, I'm now 33, (Geez it's really been that long)?! The government have decided on a 'great idea' to reduce the numbers on benefits, and after I've sent my form, they've stopped the money I was receiving, but haven't looped it over with the new benefit, so in a nutshell there's been no money payed to us, so, I'd spent a good amount of time on the phone trying so sort out something, anything, because as I said to them we have a 7mth old baby, and my partners diabetic so he has to eat, and they've given us a £30 loan. It will pay for something's for now, just hope they hurry up before the bills mount and we get buried in it, (They know our circumstances). As that's something else I've been doing too, I've been phoning around explaining why the DD's out the bank have bounced back, (And I have to incur charges for that too). Only to have to talk to some of the rudest people that I've spoken to in along time, to the point it upset me and I ended up talking to them like a frigging babbling moron. (I'm no good on the phone but even worse when I know it's not going to go right). But we shall see what happens and how long it takes, though that being said I'll be on the phone again if they haven't sorted it by Monday.
Hmm ever notice the government penalize those who need the help most? The others get to treat the system like a doormat, 'wipe their feet on them, and walk away'...
I'm going to go to bed, even if it's just to close my eyes and try to give my brain a break.
Goodnight n hugs x
