Bitterly sweet sides of life.

Depression bit me hard yesterday, over something so trivial, Andrew was crying for Mike as he left the room, and as much as I know that kids have phases/times for wanting either parent, whilst he was crying I gave him a hug and said 'Don't I get love too?' strange, but as I said it, a thought ran through my head.. I wondered if he did love me. And then I found myself in a floodgate of tears, and my whole day was a ruin, I thought I'd screwed up with everything I said and did after that, of cause I didn't, but it's how I felt. Thankfully days like that are getting less and less. It's hard to explain let alone understand but depression has plagued me since childhood. I've been in two psych hospitals, one more than once, and all that did was make it worse. But at least now depression is not my whole life anymore, I'm not a day-in day-out wreck because of it. And I don't want to die 24/7. It's now 'days' rather than 'my life'. And in that sentence alone, it gives me hope that one day it will be gone for good. 

A week ago ish, Mike took me for the medical. But there were road works and built up traffic, I was on Mikes mobile with little credit trying to get through to tell them we'd be late, when I did, he said that if we'd arrive more then 10 mins late we'd be lucky to be seen.. there was no hope of getting there in 10 mins! We were going to be seriously late, heck I even said I couldn't predict the line of traffic we'd ended up sat in.. And we were sat there for ages, after got there only to find we couldn't find the darn place, after spending ages circling the roads to hopefully see something that resembles a medical center, we gave up, and hoped we'd have more luck on foot, we found an off-road disabled bay close to where the satnav told us we had to be, but hell it was FREEZING, I was shaking so much it was a wonder I stayed in my seat... Andrew of cause wrapped up in his car seat on my lap and was quite happily oblivious, and sleeping lol.. We asked a few people if they knew where the place was and no one seemed to, and at the end of it all we must have been stood there looking seriously hopeless because a woman came out and gave us directions, she even said 'it didn't look like much, no one seemed to be able to find it'. She wasn't joking it looked like a vacant shop with whitewashed windows.. I could have gone passed it 100 times and never have guessed the place wasn't shut down. As it turned out we arrived for the medical over an hour late, only to be told that they'd received evidence that morning and I didn't need a medical... My first question was 'What evidence?' As from what I was last told they don't even know whats wrong, (I didn't say that bit, but I did ask). But she couldn't answer, as the receptionist she wasn't given that information.. fair enough.  I was to cold to be annoyed, I just wanted the gas central heating and a cuppa!! It has still left me wondering what evidence they've had.. but on the plus side though at least we know where to go if I'm ever called up for another medical. 

Parts of my new hobby things have arrived, I've quit drinking and I've decided to do something a little constructive with my time, I've brought some candle wax flakes, soap base and bits and bobs to add colour  and scents, if you haven't guessed, to make candles and soap lol. (No it wont stop me treating myself to bits from other people hehe).  
I've also brought some molds to do some things with Jordan, I've brought some Easter egg shaped molds that will allow him to make little eggs for Easter. (I've got ideas for other molds... but we all start somewhere). x I'm looking forward to it, there are still a few bits to arrive before I can start, but I'm starting to feel like almost as excited as a little child lol. 

Before you read ahead, empty your mind of any thoughts you may have of any negative prejudgments, I don't have them.. I have views, opinions, but I like to look at things as a blank canvas, In a sense, I like to stand back and look in, and draw a mental image of what I see, though it's not always in a good thing for me personally lol.. I analyze every last detail, I twist it and turn it like a puzzle, move it around, even go back to it at a later time if I can't make it fit.. In my own mind, if I had the knowledge that I truly do lack, (And probably always will). I'd probably make a good scientist.


Anyway. Don't worry, I have no intentions of starting debates or change anyone's lifestyle or views, in any way whatsoever, so 'empty your brain' lol.. and sit back with me :)


Wicca, and my views.
Many people have and prejudgments when they first hear the word 'witch'. Where do they come from? Why? And why do people feel the need to hide what they are and what they believe,well, for anyone? 
Well. as you begin, look at it from the earlier times people had no medicine, no cures, no answers, people died young of illnesses that we could probably now deal with, with a little heating and a trip to the doctors.. and in childbirth after 10, 20 30.. well who knows how many children because they lack the knowledge and resources to live life any other way. It was simple. When 'Uncle Bob' died of a fever, all the family gathered round his bed, and dealt with it the way it was, the norm. (No hereditary disease, no cancer, no pneumonia, no infection, no labels, (We created those later on). For now it was just a fever). So what about the woman who lived alone, and lived past the age of the norm? (which just throw in an unstudied number here, lets just say, 30 is the norm). What of this woman who had graying hair, who fixed a few remedies for the ailments, who helped in childbirth? (Probably from time and experience). What if the remedies failed, and someone died? (Even if they were to die without it anyway). Who do they blame? What of this woman? What of the magic she mixes, is it poison? Trickery? (They weren't to know any better really, and just think, it could even be your Grandmas herbal remedies past through the generations, only you know what's in it now, and you know it's safe). This... hag... this... witch. Do you see? Fear. Fear of the unknown, (the uneducated). All of the thing they have no answers for, their 'normal' has changed, how do they deal with it? How do they make it go away? What resources do they have? Burn, drown..  these were their solutions, whatever it is they could find at hand to make it stop, to make things as they were. Little realizing it doesn't work that way.
Fear breeds ignorance. Acceptance, tolerance and understanding gets fogged out...  because it's 'not their way', it's changed. That's just it. People are often set in their ways to a point they don't want it to change, they don't want to see what they don't understand. They don't want anyone else's views, because in their mind they're right, right?  Wrong. They were wrong then, (As time and education has taught us, but I suppose if you look at it you can't help what you can't see can you)? As some are wrong in the same sense now. Whilst time changes some aspects of it, (And in some cases it doesn't). There will always be fear as long as there is mankind. But in saying that, time changes my friend. Opinions will too, when people eventually look at the bigger picture change will come, there will be a turn in time, where the majority of those who are now ignorant, changes, and the ignorant will become less and less in numbers as they begin to see and accept, then they become the majority, the majority who see what things are. Some of which will put the remaining ignorant in their place, (At least until 'the next thing'). But it will take just that, it will take time.
 A handful of things where the majority of views have changed, for example, a woman right to vote, to be equal, race, even some religions, disability, (From Mental to physical, they used to lock up people with disabilities in asylums or in their homes). The list goes on, as I said, some of the majority will put bigots in their place. Eventually. 
Thinking. Perhaps even 'White Witch' is the start of it. Regardless. Be counted, be proud of who you are and whatever it is you believe, other people burnt their bras to be heard! But you don't have to be that loud to be who you are, lol.
  Now back to my ever lasting questioning brain, from what I have read about Wicca and respect. I respect, their respect of other religions, the way they flow with nature, the way they use the Earth to fulfill and balance their lifestyle in every sense, and they don't seem to have any negativity, in any of the every day things around them. In reading all the things that I have, it is as if they flow with the very earth. And to me, I can't disrespect that, or think anything bad, there is just no reason.
 We aren't all made to be the same.  We are unique for a reason, even if I don't know why exactly, I do know I wouldn't want to be a clone of anyone else. Whether I like some of my aspects, or not, I'm still me. 


There are a few basic Q/A http://www.wicca.com/celtic/wicca/faq.htm there. I've read far more than this, and I'll carry on reading, why? Because theoretically speaking, my jigsaw isn't complete.. :) And if there are pieces of a puzzle missing it's never a good thing, even a mental one lol! 


Back to the fear point... Anxiety owns my behind!! You know I'm sat here thinking what if I offend people? What if I upset people or make matters worse in any sense? You know, so to patch my fears here I'm going to add this, these are just my views and opinions no one else's... You can share them with me or leave them as they sit....  I said to a friend I'd give my opinion, so I'll post it, and then probably be sat here wondering if I should have!! Anxiety has cost me a lot in the past, it has turned me into a wreck and makes social-anythings even harder for me, then life itself already does.
 And between 'these pages' and I, I've written books in the past, spent months going over them and then hit the delete key, purely because of anxiety. 


Ah shit. Shit, shit. 

 'Worse off or better off'.
How about we turn it to a different view,
No one is worse off, or better off.
The simple fact is we all feel pain, we all have problems, our pain is very valid and very real ... 
so have your say, don't ever allow others to undermine how you feel. 


Take care of yourself. 

Had a good chat with the health visitor, she mentioned a group for younger children. I must admit. I got a little scared to start with, social situations and me are normally a big no-go area.. I told her how I felt, I also told her that Andrew is already uncertain of people he doesn't know, and can get really tearful around strangers, even her if she doesn't come enough, and she did agree... he's only 7months and I don't see that as being a positive thing. But I also asked her how people are going to be around me, I don't know why I asked her that. I've had very mixed reactions from people making accusations, to one man calling my kids 'my little helpers'.. Oh I so put him straight. They are my children, not my helpers. End of.. (That is one sure way to piss me off). To people being fine with me being a wheelie-mum. Well she basically said that there's going to be ignorance no matter where you go. And that Andrew deserves the same as any other child. I couldn't argue to that, not even in my 'mentally analyse every detail from every angle' kind of way, which is something I have a natural talent for, (Though it's certainly not a gift, not when I can be at it for the same topic for weeks, or months even). So she's brought me a flyer for the center and it lists their activities, now all I need is to find my nerve, wish me luck! 
Love n hugs
Louise x 

I've been asked about my disability time and time again, people on and offline, I find it difficult because I don't know what to say, I don't know how to answer.. the truth is, I don't have a 'quick answer', or the right words, nothing to satisfy someones curiosity, not really.
So here I'm going to give an outline of some of my disability, (But even at that it's going to be an essay)! How it came to and where 'I stand' with it. And also to add, I don't want sympathy, just understanding.
When I hit puberty, which I did early, I began to trip up, it hurt like no other, my who ankle seemed to collapse in on itself, it actually felt like I'd near broke the damn thing. Sometimes it took me ages to get back on it again. It started happening in my right ankle and as a short few years passed it affected both. My mum took me to see a specialist, they put me under anesthetic to check the ligaments, they said they were slightly to long, it would be pointless operating though because of the chance it would make them worse, I also had physiotherapy, the physiotherapist discovered that they were so weak that he was surprised they weren't permanently damaged. I had physio week after week. They took me out of physical education at school. Even after I was discharged from physio it didn't stop. I was filled with virtually constant aching legs, pins and needles, coldness and feeling very tired.. the list goes on, but nothing ever stopped. I remember going to see a different specialist, he made me out to be some form of attention seeking teenager, and in an attempt to shock me, he threatened calipers, I actually agreed to them! After they were both sat there silently stunned. My mum started saying how horrible they were, and the fact that it was something that I didn't want, and that's something they both agreed on. It was my turn not to say anything. You can't sit there at 12 ish.. (God it's been to long to remember for certain). Trying to put forward your point, that your legs were already aching all the time, the the trips hurt, that you've had enough. We left. They started altering my shoes, I had elasticated supports, the elasticated supports were itchy and irritating.. and didn't help. I can't remember why they eventually stopped altering my shoes, maybe they weren't taken anymore? I honestly don't know. I stopped telling people, there was no point. At 14 ish I started walking without bending my right knee it seemed to help stop me tripping as much. Yes on one hand it was deliberate, but I didn't see it that way, in my mind, it helped and that's all that mattered, regardless of anyone else's opinion. As I got older, the pins and needles got worse, they started from my lower back as well as in my and the pain got worse too, and if I got cold my god the agony had me in tears. It took me hours to warm up I'd lay in bed shivering over the smallest bit of cold weather, feeling cold to the damn core. I hurt the same if I got to hot! Only the heat gave me blinding headaches and masses of stress to top it off. (And with both It's still that way). By 15 I didn't live at home anymore, I was pregnant too, and still had the same problems, it once happened as I was going down a set of solid concrete stairs, my head felt so wrong and my ankle went, I held the walls but then as I was trying to get up my legs just literally went under me. Me, alone, and pregnant went falling down un-carpeted and un-protected concrete stairs. I bled, contractions started up, but luckily for me at the time, they stopped it was early on, there would have been no hope, and my now ex was working away. (It is just something that sticks in my mind,  But I'll leave it at that). By 16  my eyesight worsened, my glasses didn't help, and my legs, when I walked on them, started going purple or black with pink blotches,  Leaning on my legs hurt me, sleeping was a nightmare, even having baby (As she now was). Sat on them hurt, but I gritted my teeth and told no one. (My second daughter was to arrive later the same year). I discovered my ex was seeing a 14 year old for lords sake, he was 27/28 ish at the time. He even had the audacity to ask if I'd live in a house with her and share him! In a nutshell, not a damn chance, he could fuck the hell off. A single parent aged 16/17 living with a baby pregnant with another.. I couldn't cope with it, I went to live with my mum. I got a couple of jobs in that time, but the pain was triggered something horrific by working, as I worked my legs/back were in blinding agony,  the more I did, the more it hurt. My whole body and mind was screaming stop, stop, stop.. It slowed me right down, I carried on for awhile, but I had to tell the people I worked for, I don't ever remember telling my mum? Not sure I did.. But I lost the job. I met someone else, we got our own home, the pain was more frequent, the tiredness went beyond tired. I started drinking. The relationship was to fail, alone again with the girls in the house, I muddled on. Drinking helped me sleep. It helped numb me from not just the pain, but the reality of the situation.. And I hated it, but by this point there was no hiding the pain anymore, to top it off my legs didn't even feel like they were attached to me anymore.they tried me on blood circulation pills which never helped. I just stopped taking them, and my legs were to crumble under me on a frequent basis, with pins and needless, weird cramp, numbness and then agony, followed by unreal exhaustion. I started to get light headed, and other odd things back then. I can remember going down the stairs then suddenly not being able to put one foot infront of the other to go down the step, it was a mass of bizarre confusion, I knew how, it was if my brain wasn't connecting the message, I eventually ended up going down on my bum. Before long I'd begged the doctors for something to help me walk, I was literally dripping with sweat due to pain when I walked, it wasn't funny, he gave me crutches and an appointment to see if there was anything they could do to help. I remember it was about this point that my mum finally realized, and said she always thought I was exaggerating but she knew now. I didn't say anything to her. They gave me crutches and a walker, a couple of years later it was to be those things as well as a wheelchair, because by now my legs were going through their crumbling, cramp, pain exhaustion for me, cycle, that I hadn't any other way to manage. (Family all struggled with the changes, none more than me, they were finally feeling something, when I'd been feeling it for years, in saying that, no, I don't hold a grudge). I noticed my vision getting worse and I can remember going for an eye examination, through the test he tried different lenses. There was no affect. My eyesight stayed the same.. glasses did nothing, he recommended hospital. But even up to now, it's just something that to be honest I'd never sorted out. I met someone else, our relationship was to build. And he moved in, then one day as my legs normally did, they gave up under me. I just never got back up to being able to walk again. The relationship went through a really bad patch, we broke up and when I eventually took him back we moved away, away to what I hoped would be a life to rebuild away from people I knew, away from gossip. It was not to end that way, I became pregnant with Jay, and he became violent, I tried to make it work, I tried to change, after all how many 'daddies' do my kids need? But it got worse, he'd done everything from punching to biting to scar point, to dislocating my joints, then it affecting the kids, he started starving us. The way I am it took months of planning, secretly and terrified.We fled. And rebuilt our lives. He doesn't know where we are, I however know he's on FB.. that's why I use a name that's not mine. Jay has autism and ADHD. Now, when Jay was 2/3 we met Mike and Mike and I have built our relationship. Jay looks at him as his dad, he said that Mike was his real dad the other dad is his Step-dad there is nothing higher he can say of Mike than that. 8 years after we met, we now have Andrew too. Together we are a family, a real one. About 7 years ago ish, the doctor said it's possible MS I went for a back scan, there was no scarring, so he said I don't have MS.. I can't book another one.  Well. My disability still rules a lot of my life, my speech now sometimes doesn't go right, my words don't come out right.. it's as if the connection doesn't goto my brain, and I try to say something and it doesn't happen, I've been accused of being drunk when I'm not.. it's just so socially degrading. I'm still in a wheelchair.. eyesight's still crap lol. I also go through times when I cant remember the smallest of things, even what year my sons in at school, my age... eh it normally comes-to eventually its just very frustrating, I have masses of spasms even in my face, arms and hands now.. pretty much everywhere.. And the sensation of pins and needles run from my neck. It's something I live with, I have to. I also get an odd feeling of falling backwards to the point I reach out to support myself, it's very odd, I can't fall backwards. My arms for the past few years have also started aching and hurting, a couple of joints have also gone wrong to the point they look it.. but there is nothing I can do, nothing they can do.. I just fill up my system with painkillers and plod on. I have my partner and my children. They are my strength, and even more so when all other strengths fail.


Now I just want to add if you've read it this far, you don't have to comment, and certainly don't apologize, seriously. I'm still me, you are still you. More than likely, the only thing that's changed is you've seen the 'inner me' online first, before you've 'seen' the rest.. One actual beauty of the internet really.