Bitterly sweet sides of life.

Had a good chat with the health visitor, she mentioned a group for younger children. I must admit. I got a little scared to start with, social situations and me are normally a big no-go area.. I told her how I felt, I also told her that Andrew is already uncertain of people he doesn't know, and can get really tearful around strangers, even her if she doesn't come enough, and she did agree... he's only 7months and I don't see that as being a positive thing. But I also asked her how people are going to be around me, I don't know why I asked her that. I've had very mixed reactions from people making accusations, to one man calling my kids 'my little helpers'.. Oh I so put him straight. They are my children, not my helpers. End of.. (That is one sure way to piss me off). To people being fine with me being a wheelie-mum. Well she basically said that there's going to be ignorance no matter where you go. And that Andrew deserves the same as any other child. I couldn't argue to that, not even in my 'mentally analyse every detail from every angle' kind of way, which is something I have a natural talent for, (Though it's certainly not a gift, not when I can be at it for the same topic for weeks, or months even). So she's brought me a flyer for the center and it lists their activities, now all I need is to find my nerve, wish me luck! 
Love n hugs
Louise x 

I've been asked about my disability time and time again, people on and offline, I find it difficult because I don't know what to say, I don't know how to answer.. the truth is, I don't have a 'quick answer', or the right words, nothing to satisfy someones curiosity, not really.
So here I'm going to give an outline of some of my disability, (But even at that it's going to be an essay)! How it came to and where 'I stand' with it. And also to add, I don't want sympathy, just understanding.
When I hit puberty, which I did early, I began to trip up, it hurt like no other, my who ankle seemed to collapse in on itself, it actually felt like I'd near broke the damn thing. Sometimes it took me ages to get back on it again. It started happening in my right ankle and as a short few years passed it affected both. My mum took me to see a specialist, they put me under anesthetic to check the ligaments, they said they were slightly to long, it would be pointless operating though because of the chance it would make them worse, I also had physiotherapy, the physiotherapist discovered that they were so weak that he was surprised they weren't permanently damaged. I had physio week after week. They took me out of physical education at school. Even after I was discharged from physio it didn't stop. I was filled with virtually constant aching legs, pins and needles, coldness and feeling very tired.. the list goes on, but nothing ever stopped. I remember going to see a different specialist, he made me out to be some form of attention seeking teenager, and in an attempt to shock me, he threatened calipers, I actually agreed to them! After they were both sat there silently stunned. My mum started saying how horrible they were, and the fact that it was something that I didn't want, and that's something they both agreed on. It was my turn not to say anything. You can't sit there at 12 ish.. (God it's been to long to remember for certain). Trying to put forward your point, that your legs were already aching all the time, the the trips hurt, that you've had enough. We left. They started altering my shoes, I had elasticated supports, the elasticated supports were itchy and irritating.. and didn't help. I can't remember why they eventually stopped altering my shoes, maybe they weren't taken anymore? I honestly don't know. I stopped telling people, there was no point. At 14 ish I started walking without bending my right knee it seemed to help stop me tripping as much. Yes on one hand it was deliberate, but I didn't see it that way, in my mind, it helped and that's all that mattered, regardless of anyone else's opinion. As I got older, the pins and needles got worse, they started from my lower back as well as in my and the pain got worse too, and if I got cold my god the agony had me in tears. It took me hours to warm up I'd lay in bed shivering over the smallest bit of cold weather, feeling cold to the damn core. I hurt the same if I got to hot! Only the heat gave me blinding headaches and masses of stress to top it off. (And with both It's still that way). By 15 I didn't live at home anymore, I was pregnant too, and still had the same problems, it once happened as I was going down a set of solid concrete stairs, my head felt so wrong and my ankle went, I held the walls but then as I was trying to get up my legs just literally went under me. Me, alone, and pregnant went falling down un-carpeted and un-protected concrete stairs. I bled, contractions started up, but luckily for me at the time, they stopped it was early on, there would have been no hope, and my now ex was working away. (It is just something that sticks in my mind,  But I'll leave it at that). By 16  my eyesight worsened, my glasses didn't help, and my legs, when I walked on them, started going purple or black with pink blotches,  Leaning on my legs hurt me, sleeping was a nightmare, even having baby (As she now was). Sat on them hurt, but I gritted my teeth and told no one. (My second daughter was to arrive later the same year). I discovered my ex was seeing a 14 year old for lords sake, he was 27/28 ish at the time. He even had the audacity to ask if I'd live in a house with her and share him! In a nutshell, not a damn chance, he could fuck the hell off. A single parent aged 16/17 living with a baby pregnant with another.. I couldn't cope with it, I went to live with my mum. I got a couple of jobs in that time, but the pain was triggered something horrific by working, as I worked my legs/back were in blinding agony,  the more I did, the more it hurt. My whole body and mind was screaming stop, stop, stop.. It slowed me right down, I carried on for awhile, but I had to tell the people I worked for, I don't ever remember telling my mum? Not sure I did.. But I lost the job. I met someone else, we got our own home, the pain was more frequent, the tiredness went beyond tired. I started drinking. The relationship was to fail, alone again with the girls in the house, I muddled on. Drinking helped me sleep. It helped numb me from not just the pain, but the reality of the situation.. And I hated it, but by this point there was no hiding the pain anymore, to top it off my legs didn't even feel like they were attached to me anymore.they tried me on blood circulation pills which never helped. I just stopped taking them, and my legs were to crumble under me on a frequent basis, with pins and needless, weird cramp, numbness and then agony, followed by unreal exhaustion. I started to get light headed, and other odd things back then. I can remember going down the stairs then suddenly not being able to put one foot infront of the other to go down the step, it was a mass of bizarre confusion, I knew how, it was if my brain wasn't connecting the message, I eventually ended up going down on my bum. Before long I'd begged the doctors for something to help me walk, I was literally dripping with sweat due to pain when I walked, it wasn't funny, he gave me crutches and an appointment to see if there was anything they could do to help. I remember it was about this point that my mum finally realized, and said she always thought I was exaggerating but she knew now. I didn't say anything to her. They gave me crutches and a walker, a couple of years later it was to be those things as well as a wheelchair, because by now my legs were going through their crumbling, cramp, pain exhaustion for me, cycle, that I hadn't any other way to manage. (Family all struggled with the changes, none more than me, they were finally feeling something, when I'd been feeling it for years, in saying that, no, I don't hold a grudge). I noticed my vision getting worse and I can remember going for an eye examination, through the test he tried different lenses. There was no affect. My eyesight stayed the same.. glasses did nothing, he recommended hospital. But even up to now, it's just something that to be honest I'd never sorted out. I met someone else, our relationship was to build. And he moved in, then one day as my legs normally did, they gave up under me. I just never got back up to being able to walk again. The relationship went through a really bad patch, we broke up and when I eventually took him back we moved away, away to what I hoped would be a life to rebuild away from people I knew, away from gossip. It was not to end that way, I became pregnant with Jay, and he became violent, I tried to make it work, I tried to change, after all how many 'daddies' do my kids need? But it got worse, he'd done everything from punching to biting to scar point, to dislocating my joints, then it affecting the kids, he started starving us. The way I am it took months of planning, secretly and terrified.We fled. And rebuilt our lives. He doesn't know where we are, I however know he's on FB.. that's why I use a name that's not mine. Jay has autism and ADHD. Now, when Jay was 2/3 we met Mike and Mike and I have built our relationship. Jay looks at him as his dad, he said that Mike was his real dad the other dad is his Step-dad there is nothing higher he can say of Mike than that. 8 years after we met, we now have Andrew too. Together we are a family, a real one. About 7 years ago ish, the doctor said it's possible MS I went for a back scan, there was no scarring, so he said I don't have MS.. I can't book another one.  Well. My disability still rules a lot of my life, my speech now sometimes doesn't go right, my words don't come out right.. it's as if the connection doesn't goto my brain, and I try to say something and it doesn't happen, I've been accused of being drunk when I'm not.. it's just so socially degrading. I'm still in a wheelchair.. eyesight's still crap lol. I also go through times when I cant remember the smallest of things, even what year my sons in at school, my age... eh it normally comes-to eventually its just very frustrating, I have masses of spasms even in my face, arms and hands now.. pretty much everywhere.. And the sensation of pins and needles run from my neck. It's something I live with, I have to. I also get an odd feeling of falling backwards to the point I reach out to support myself, it's very odd, I can't fall backwards. My arms for the past few years have also started aching and hurting, a couple of joints have also gone wrong to the point they look it.. but there is nothing I can do, nothing they can do.. I just fill up my system with painkillers and plod on. I have my partner and my children. They are my strength, and even more so when all other strengths fail.


Now I just want to add if you've read it this far, you don't have to comment, and certainly don't apologize, seriously. I'm still me, you are still you. More than likely, the only thing that's changed is you've seen the 'inner me' online first, before you've 'seen' the rest.. One actual beauty of the internet really. 

I was back on the phone again, well officially yesterday since it's 5:05am, (And yes this sad-sap is sat here lol). I'd been sent a letter stating that I needed to attend a medical on behalf of the benefits office, errm yeah OK,  no income how the hell was that going to happen? Simple. It wasn't. So I rang them up and told them as much.. They actually were under the impression we'd got paid, errm no, she spent awhile on the phone with me sorting out my details and security gubbins, then arranged with me to pay us.. now I can relax about the whole financial situation, as I know the payment's going in.
 Now the medical on the other hand, that's something else entirely, they feel so invasive, it's less than a year since the last one, and not only do they make me reflect negatively, (And that's something I actually have to go out of my way not to do at times, even if eventually it still has the tendency to creep up on me). But as a private person, as far as my personal space is concerned at least, I know that when the darn medical's due, it will fire off my anxiety and depression. Oh joy. 
And it's due in a couple of weeks, which is not as far away as I'd like it to be.


Anyway I'm going to sort a fresh pair of Pj's as I love and live in my Pj's lol, and go for a shower... I'll be back in awhile to post a couple of pics of Andrew (Pudding). So those who aren't on my FB can have a peek. (It will also give me something else to think about).
See you later x 

Here it's Wednesday, 5 03am. 
I'm so tired yet my head is pounding with anxiety.. I've literally just took my meds for it.
Yesterday was a damn nightmare.. I've been disabled since I was 19, I'm now 33, (Geez it's really been that long)?! The government have decided on a 'great idea' to reduce the numbers on benefits, and after I've sent my form, they've stopped the money I was receiving, but haven't looped it over with the new benefit, so in a nutshell there's been no money payed to us, so, I'd spent a good amount of time on the phone trying so sort out something, anything, because as I said to them we have a 7mth old baby, and my partners diabetic so he has to eat, and they've given us a £30 loan. It will pay for something's for now, just hope they hurry up before the bills mount and we get buried in it, (They know our circumstances). As that's something else I've been doing too, I've been phoning around explaining why the DD's out the bank have bounced back, (And I have to incur charges for that too). Only to have to talk to some of the rudest people that I've spoken to in along time, to the point it upset me and I ended up talking to them like a frigging babbling moron. (I'm no good on the phone but even worse when I know it's not going to go right). But we shall see what happens and how long it takes, though that being said I'll be on the phone again if they haven't sorted it by Monday. 
Hmm ever notice the government penalize those who need the help most? The others get to treat the system like a doormat, 'wipe their feet on them, and walk away'... 
I'm going to go to bed, even if it's just to close my eyes and try to give my brain a break.
Goodnight n hugs x 

It really has been along time since I last updated.. Getting my marbles together, sorting out life in general, you know how it is.
 Well. I had a little boy on the 14th June, even at full term he was just 5lb 9oz, tiny, and beautiful.  He was born suffering respiratory distress, his blood sugar dropped between feeds drastically, I had to feed him every 3 hours if he wanted it or not - which often resulted in him being sick, and his temperature plummeted, but he was put in a specially heated cot and within a couple of days he was well enough to go home. He then had problems with his skin and soreness, though it was nothing that time and cream didn't help.
  He's a lovely little addition to our family, he's a beautiful little boy, and although I'm not a perfect mum, (If there is such a thing). But, I'm now a very proud mum, not only to 'Baby Andrew' who's now 6 months old, but to four children, two girls and two boys.

As for weight and depression now, sod it lol, there is more to life. I've spent to long worrying about things that will change themselves in their own good time.
Love to all
Louise x

My weight is really getting to me, I'm a top size 20-22.. My cup size doesn't help in making me look bigger still, I'm getting depressed over it. Everytime I see my mum I hear her say that I'm big, people have made comments about my eating, and everytime I goto antenatal I have to hear references to my BMI and my weight. It's literally had me in tears..
My ability to exercise is limited, and although I'm aware I've lost some weight since I quit drinking, (As I can now fit into a smaller-none stretch trousers, and some smaller bras). It's not enough, people wont stop going on, so I've gone on a diet, the max in calories I've eaten this week is little over 1300, (And I know I've done under 600). It's given me a couple of minor issues, but then the important thing is, is that the weight comes off a bit faster. I want people to drop it, I know I'm fat, so I don't need telling I'm fat.

I've also been browsing diet pills/appetite suppressants. I might hang on until I'm later in the pregnancy for those though, we'll see how it goes.